Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? A. Shine a flashlight into her ear.
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A. Professional courtesy.
On a crowded bus, I saw a man with his eyes closed. "What's the matter, are you sick?" I asked. "No, I just hate to see old ladies standing."
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a bar? He ordered a beer and a mop.
Shrink: Do you have trouble making decisions? Patient: Well...yes and no.
Teacher: Why are you late? Student: A man lost a $100 bill. Teacher: Were you helping him find it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
Q. Why were males created before females? A. Cause you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Q. What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? A. The 2003 World Hide and Seek Champion.
So a priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this a joke?"
A chicken sandwich walks into the bar and orders a beer and some peanuts. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Joe: I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months. Jim: Better think it over…women like that are hard to find!
Man: Doctor, my wife has lost her voice. How can I help her get it back? Doctor: Try coming home drunk at three in the morning!
During an exam a police recruit was asked, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup!"
Q. What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? A. Retired.
Lady: So, you want to become my son-in-law? Young Man: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter!
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looks just like me.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Customer: Do you serve women at this bar? Bartender: No sir, you'll have to bring your own.
New Dad: My wife's contractions are only two minutes apart! Doctor: Is this her first child? New Dad: NO, you idiot! This is her husband!
Old man: This new hearing aid is the best they've got on the market. It cost $3,000. Friend: What kind is it? Old man: Half past four!
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Boss: They say humor relieves tension in this time of downsizing so here's a joke. Knock Knock. Worker: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs? A. Wherever you left it."
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